It has been a long time since I’ve been good. In fact, it’s been a long time since I felt almost anything.
Over the course of the past year and a half I’ve tumbled down the stairs into the basement of mental health. Nearly without noticing I lost the will to do things, to stay active, to see people, and as I found myself at the bottom I also lost the will to live.
Although I was in a seemingly happy marriage I felt very alone. And although I had friends around me I felt shunned from the world. Colors were less bright. Music sounded almost muffled. Food appeared bland. Joy and appreciation for life was nearly entirely absent. The only reason I had to stay alive was my wife and the thought of a future family together.
About six to eight months ago this also started falling apart. My wife wanted more. More than me and more than our relationship. I didn’t know what I wanted. On top of that she announced a disinterest in ever having kids. I felt like I had lost my purpose in life and the thoughts of suicide intensified.
The marriage started to fall apart and as of a few months ago we are separated.
I have moved from our suburban home to a downtown apartment. I have converted a lifetime of memories to fit in six hundred square feet. I have had to face my inadequacies head on without distractions. I now have two therapists. I have lost my dog and retirement plan.
In short, I have seen a lot of change the last few months. Change that I will turn into new art, new words and poems, new stories, new music, and a renewed sense of purpose. I am determined, finally, to not let resentment and fear rule me but to churn the misfortune into something that can be harvested for betterment and to put new beauty into this world.
Stay with me friends. Love yourself. And don’t try to be like me, be better and make beautiful things. I’ll see you on the sunny side of life.
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